August 25, 2011 Posted by Eli in Eli

Tags: daily journal, jennie song, personal, the queen

Daily Eli – “My Queen”

I don't much feel like writing today ... my mind is filled with too many things.

I might as well just start writing and see what happens ...

Yesterday was another bad day for me. I was reflecting on many things, trying to force myself into a place of acceptance of myself, of positivity, of resolution. I was going to spend most of the night making logic charts and generally being miserable but my Queen texted and tempted me out to dinner for some Korean food (review of the restaurant to come shortly). I can't refuse my Queen anything. Ever. I don't know why I try. I think perhaps I try just to remind myself that I can't. *smile* It was good because I actually ended up having a really good time and I was able to check out a Korean grocery store that actually one of my favorite Korean snacks, Nong Shim Honey Twists ... OMG I was in heaven. Normally I only get them when my Queen goes to Han Ah Reum in Jersey. It was a wonderful bonus to a great dinner.

You know what ... now I want to eat one. *grin*

Mmmmm so good!

Spending the evening with my Queen really always helps put my mind into a really unique place. It's an interesting mix of emotions all merging at a crossroads of something akin to peace, delusion, pain, and ecstasy. Oddly, it's a really nice feeling when all put together though for some people I imagine it could be pretty disconcerting. *laugh* I'm used to it by now. I have come to really rely on that very odd cornucopia to keep me grounded. It sounds strange but the Queen is really a wonder of the universe - like most women - and sometimes, as much as she makes my head spin, my teeth grind, and my heart ache ... I just find the world is not the same without her in it (or maybe just my world). Women are so amazing that way. Somehow we all lose something of ourselves - we are diminished - when unable to see our reflections in their eyes. A beautiful woman can do that can she not? Define you. Redefine you. Make you. Unmake you. Save you. Destroy you. And when they have utterly destroyed you just one touch, one word, one whisper can resurrect you against all reason. Real women - the true women (of which there are few left in the world) - are such a miracle and such a menace. The Queen is such a woman. A woman in the most ultimate sense of the word; a destroyer of souls ...

... and I can refuse her nothing.

The Queen sees me in a really wonderful way, much like my tribemates do, but I guess there is a difference in that they have spent collectively almost 20 years living with me and it's impossible for them not to see me as I am. It's impossible for them not to have a clear view of everything about me. The Queen, after three years, still has a ways to go to really understand me - and I her - but her vision of me is unlike anyone elses perhaps because she is still getting to know me. She sees me in a way that I don't think anyone ever has before and she allows me to see myself in new ways as a result. A good friend should do that I think. A good friend should challenge you as well as enhance you. A good friend should have their own special view of you, something that only they can see and show you, something that only they can define. In that definition is a unique you, someone wonderful to them, someone magical even ... that's something I really love about friendship. It's not something I have experienced often but it's something I have always wanted to feel from someone. I think I only have twice in my lifetime.

It goes without saying - given her title - that the Queen is important to me. Her value goes beyond something I can define and I really credit her with much of my development the past few years. I have rediscovered a lost part of myself because of her - something I needed, something that allows me to be definitively whole - and there is no way to ever thank someone for such a gift ... but I try, everyday, to do just that.

The Queen kind of forbade me to write about her (I'm gonna be in trouble) but she is the reason for my smile today. She is the reason why I am able to calmly come to a better sense of resolve about myself and my life. She is the reason I woke up this morning really having a sense of clarity again instead of this haze of anger and frustration. The Queen is one of the hardest working people I know. She has overcome a great deal and works hard to achieve her dreams. Her beauty is really only matched by her strength and stubbornness. She doesn't quit. She falls but she always gets up. We are very alike that way and so drastically different in others. She inspires me though, all the time, to push myself harder, to be better, to be stronger. If she's reading this she's probably like, "yeah, whatever" but it's the truth.

Many people in my life, in the past, "inspired" me to be better. Though this inspiration wasn't real. I was only driven to be better as a person because they hated who I already was. They sought only to make me feel bad about not being what they wanted me to be. They were never satisfied with who I was and constantly pushed me to "evolve" into someone who was "better" and could fit into their lives they way they wanted. And, in the fairness of full disclosure, I thought there was something wrong with me because I seemed so far, so different from them, and so I worked hard to become something that I thought I should be. In the end though, it was everyone else who was fucked up beyond belief and not me at all. There was nothing wrong with me but, in fact, something so utterly wrong with the world. It took me a long time to realize that. Way too long. But now I know the truth of people and I want nothing to do with them ever again.

People are nothing but sludge and shit and insects wrapped in dying skin. They pretend to be human but really they're little more than lost, rabid dogs who spend time mauling each other, destroying the world, and eating their own shit. Not everyone is like that, you'll say. That's like saying there were a few good Nazi's, I'll say. It doesn't make up for the whole of them now does it? In the end, The Queen and my tribemates (across the globe), are the real deal and not wolves in sheep's clothing. I am better for all of them.

The Queen continues to inspire, maul, and torture me in the best of ways. *smile* Because of her, today I can smile and really set my sights forward with a clear mind. I am newly resolved to many things today. There is a kind of acceptance that I have come to terms with. I feel a lot better about the dark and bleak future that I have to look forward to. There are many things I cannot change, many dreams that will never be fulfilled, many useless hopes, and delusional ideas that I simply need to let go of and realize are completely stupid.

One of the greatest problems, I believe most people have, is this concept of hope. It's both the source of greatest human weakness and the greatest source of human strength. In my opinion though, I don't believe a delusion should ever be considered a source of strength and what is hope if not exactly that? A lie - a delusion of impossibility. A lie should never bring you strength. A lie is not a foundation on which to build your future or your dreams. Yet so many people are hopeful. I think having hope has brought me more destruction than reality ever did. For so long people called me a pessimist and told me that my presence was a downer, but I am not a pessimist. Pessimism is a state of mind in which one perceives life negatively. I perceive life as real as it is. I see the world in a realistic sense. I see my life in a realistic sense. I thrive on logic, understanding, and philosophy to guide me towards conclusions about how the world truly is. Logic is neither negative nor positive. The world is a horrible place, in it reside truly horrible people. Look at what human beings do to each other and this planet. Look at the history of the world and tell me whether it speaks of a bright future. History repeats itself because human beings are too stubborn to learn from the past and too stupid to live for the future. That is reality, not pessimism.

Hope, as I saw it, only held me back from accepting reality. Furthermore, that lack of acceptance of reality lead me down a path of making stupid decisions based on delusions. Now that I have come to a place of resolution about my life - both past, present, and future - I feel like I can make peace with myself finally.

This is indeed Hell.

This place, my life, my future ... Hell. The worst Hell you could imagine. The most painful Hell there is. But because I have glimpses of Heaven - in my tribe, in my Queen, in moments of real bliss, peace, and happiness - then I think I can deal. I think I can manage another day, and another, and another until it's finally over. I don't need to hold onto hope - what hope is there for someone like me? I don't need to lie to myself. I only need to look at the reality of my life. I only need to see the light that actually exists around me, not imagine some make believe light at the end of the tunnel. The tunnel has no end. The end is when you die. Period. Whatever light there is was brought there by you and reflected in those who travel with you down that same tunnel of life.

My Queen lights my way - in her smile, in her laugh, in her acceptance of me, in her voice, in every single beat of her strong heart. My tribe lights my way - in their collective understanding, in their faith, in their honesty, in their evolved states, in their friendship, in every moment of our unique life together. There is love in my life and that is solid and real and a true foundation to build a future on. It's not a vague hazy dream of hope, but a rigid reality. Why would you dream of having wings to fly - a useless thought that could never come true - when you could simply buy yourself a god damn plane ticket and fly wherever you want? Reality may not be as pretty as fantasy, but it's real and you can hold onto it. As you hold it in your hand to feel the weight you become stronger from lifting it and that builds character. I am stronger today than I was yesterday because I had a very real hand to hold onto when I needed it most. A warm hand that pushed away the fog in my mind. A strong hand that reminded me that I too was strong. A soft hand that soothed my ravaged conscience.

It wasn't a dream ... even though most times with the Queen - including simple ones of watching TV, eating Korean food, or just sitting out on the porch drinking wine - feel just like the most beautiful one you could ever have. Thank you, my Queen, for all you do.