November 7, 2011 Posted by Eli in Eli

Tags: daily journal, jennie song, personal, the queen

Daily Eli - To The Light

Power came back finally to SSZHQ much earlier than expected though there are still many places in our town that haven't had their power restored yet. It's been over a week now for them ... I hope that they get power back soon.

I sit now beside my Queen, where I always feel most alive and like my true self, watching her work diligently. She types and talks to herself in hushed whispers, working out sentence structures, ideas, and thoughts. Her beautiful hair is tied up crudely in a rubber band, she wears sloppy clothes, and her eyes look tired ... but somehow she smiles and glows in the sunlight coming through the window and I watch out of the corner of my eye marveling silently at all she is and is becoming.

She works so hard, juggling full time work, her own life, caring for her immigrant parents, and working on her dissertation and doctoral degree requirements. She always seems tired, stressed, distracted, frustrated and I wish every day that I could do something more to make her life even just a little easier. She deserves a grand life and, as a true woman in every sense of the word, my Queen rises above all in my eyes. There is very little, if anything, that I could refuse her ... if she ever asked.

A small portable heater hums and blows warm air between us, the sky is so blue beyond the white scrim hanging in front of her office windows, and every now and then the ice in her tall glass of cherry coke whistles and shifts as it melts. Aside from the occasional smile, silly face, little joke and laughter, it is mostly silent between us while we work on our individual projects and laptops.

I wonder what she thinks often in these kinds of moments ... especially when she looks up and sees I have been watching her for probably some ridiculous number of minutes. *laugh* She always gives me a warm, soft smile and goes back to whatever she was doing just before. But if I wait and watch for just a few more seconds, there is always another smile that follows, even softer, even warmer than the first. That's the one, I always think. That's the real one that counts. The one that's not for me but for her. The one that she gives in spite of herself. My Queen doesn't offer up much emotional communication - a predictable and unfortunately common trait of many within certain Asian cultures - so I have to really hold onto every smile, every flicker across her eyes, every moment of significant understanding. I am lucky to have a good background and education in reading and interpreting microexpressions, otherwise I might have spent the past three years wondering if I even existed in her reality. *laugh*

Loving the Queen is easy though. It is as simple as following a flicker of light through a dark tunnel. You don't need to look anywhere but right in front of you. If you trust the light to guide you forward, you needn't worry about where you should step or if you will fall. The dark falls away and all you see is what you need to see. Love is like that. When you come to know someone and love them for everything they are, good and bad, then there is nothing else but the purest of emotional understanding and acceptance between you. Darkness, negativity, uncertainty, doubt, or fear, have no place in such relationships. You walk forward with someone strong and sure beside you and you never doubt they are there, even in the deepest pitch or most desolate times, they are your light and you are theirs.

This past week has been a difficult one for us all, far beyond the storm and the nearly week long power outages. We were all tested in different ways and we all discovered something about ourselves and those around us.

I watched my Queen grow and evolve in the most beautiful of ways. I saw her overcome many obstacles and find her way to a truer and more meaningful path of life. Being who she is, the Universe always pushes her through the hardest lessons in the most brutal of ways, but she always comes through stronger and - I believe - more determined. Her constant focus to be the best she can be, to understand herself in the fullest ways, to open her mind and soul to all that the world has to offer, are the things that make her an extraordinary woman and will mold her into a gifted therapist. The forward path is the hard path, the true path is the painful path, with ecstasy comes agony and then you fly away - far away - beyond this garbage pile and into the light of knowing, seeing, and guiding. That is where she is headed. This I know and believe above all things. She is truly meant for it.

In the mundane world my Queen works hard to obtain her doctorate to legitimize herself within the common man but she is so much more than that ... so much more than a piece of ridiculously expensive paper. Most people are but they are too frightened, to controlled by the monsters of mediocrity to see themselves clearly. My Queen is already evolved beyond most people I have known and her strength only grows with each and every experience the Universe drags her kicking and screaming through. Only by knowing the truth of yourself and walking the path without doubt can you guide others in this life. Book knowledge is a mask for utter ignorance. The truth of the world cannot be found in academia - the well worn path of deluded fools and narrowminded cowards - but in the battles of life and the stories written upon great souls as they journey the roads that lead to Hell or enlightenment, to Zanarkand and beyond ...

There are many things I wish I could say to her at this moment as we sit in silence. I wish I could give her my strength. I wish I could give her all my knowledge of the world, of mundanes, of the future. I wish I could say everything would be alright and have it be the undeniable truth. All I can do is sit here and be a loyal and loving Knight, keeping her company, a silent supporter, a constant presence of unconditional and unshakable dedication, support, and friendship ... a light to follow through all the darkness to come.

Perhaps if she reads this she'll smile ...