Brain Dump: 10-12-11
On a new focus...
Last week, with Elaine's help, I was able to make some connections between my actions and my thought process. I've been putting alot of focus in my brain and getting my thoughts under control, but I must not forget about the state of my heart and being aware of it's feelings. Some of those dark and negative thoughts that I've weeded out of my conscious self still remain in my heart influencing my sub-conscious self. I'm aware now of this need - this compulsion - to learn more, to acquire knowledge. While learning and acquiring knowledge isn't in of itself a bad thing, it becomes unnecessary, and unhealthy, when you are aware of what feelings are driving those actions. Most of the new knowledge I acquire can't really be applied to the things I need to do in the present, it's acquired through paranoia about the future; not having the right skills for jobs/work that may come up in the future. The compulsion to learn and research (constantly), is fueled by feelings of inadequacy, feelings that I'm missing something vital.
The vital thing I'm missing is living! I can use these negative emotions and the compulsions that they create, as an excuse not to live life and not to express myself. I've cut out a bunch of the unnecessary reading and research that takes up time, and I'm focusing more on my personal posts (self-expression), my contributions in the tribe (whether it be programming, or chores, etc), and my ideas on creating media.
Mood, focus and clarity have been greatly improved with the supplements (5-HTP, B6). But now I'm adjusting when I take them during the day in order to keep the brain state even; to avoid "turbo lag" hours after I take the B6 or to improve when my attention wanes mid-afternoon.
Light is a huge factor as well. I normally didn't turn on my room lights until it would get dark late afternoon, but I think that my brain winds down naturally to the loss of light during the day. So, this week I began turning my lights on in my room in the early afternoon so that I don't get "darkness creep". My room stays a constant brightness all throughout the day and that keeps my energy up and keeps me going.
After a long hiatus, it looks like my Lucid Dreams have returned. I get full sound, full color, smells, touch. I can interact with people and objects and can see the events from first person or third person perspectives.
I used to dream like this all the time when I was very young, but the frequency and intensity has tapered off as I've gotten older. Some of them I remember very clearly, while others I only remember some imagery or sounds, all of them have left some lingering emotional feeling. Up till about a week ago, I haven't had any dreams - for maybe a year - where I've retained even the that lingering feeling of having a dream about anything. Now I've had about 8 in the span of 10 days.
Another thing of note, usually (with some exceptions) my dreams don't stray too far from what I already know: I dream about people I know or have met, and the settings are places I've been. Lately though, I've had at least 4 dreams with people I've never met, 3 of them in places I've never been. I'll try keeping track of whatever I can retain as I get them.
Speaking of video, I'm going to start another series of posts that will help form and explore my ideas on video production. There's alot I want say on the subject, from the history of how we got where we are, the problems with the tools we use, and solutions we can adopt in how we see media,using alternative technologies and pulling ideas from other industries.
Till next time!